Big Daddy

Dear Big Daddy

Hey Big Daddy,

I’m a young Republican staffer and I want to a join a health club near the
Capitol. I don’t want to be surrounded by sweaty Democrats.
I’m told that some health clubs have lots of Democrats, and others have lots
of Republicans, but I don’t know which is which. I know you’re not a health
club kind of guy, but can you give me some pointers here?

–Anonymous

Dear Governor-

Governor Schwarzenegger, is that you? I would have thought your bipartisan
approach to lawmaking would transcend into a bipartisan approach to working
out. In fact, looking at the always (and historically always, I might add)
dapper Speaker of the Assembly, I thought it already had.

Big Daddy always questioned why anyone would feel the need to join a health
club. I never went to a bar that required me to run a 100-yard dash and I
never worked up anything close to a sweat walking between Capitol hearing
rooms. However, if you want to risk a heart attack by shooting your pulse
rate through the roof, I’m certainly not going to stand in the way of the
world losing one young Republican.

I will admit to being a little puzzled as to why you appear to be so
Demophobic. Do you think that somehow being around Democrats and potentially
having their sweat rub off on you will somehow cause your Karl Rove
underwear to shrink? That it will make you compassionate for the poor,
concerned about the pay of a classroom teacher, and fearful of the
oil-company lobbyist who says he has the best interests of the California
coastline at heart? Are you worried your SUV will refuse to budge when you
try to fire it up in the morning? Or that your regimental tie will grow a
mind of its own and strangle you like a python?

I’m curious to know whether you think a woman–Democrat or a Republican–can
get pregnant simply by kissing a man or sitting on a toilet seat. The answer
to that question, assuming you’re still pondering it, is no.

While your inquiry only deals with health clubs, it opens the door to the
women’s locker room and the larger issue of whether we advance democracy and
improve our society simply by talking to those we already agree with. It’s
obvious to every loyal Capitol Weekly reader that Big Daddy would rather go
without a drop of booze for a year rather than see the Legislature or the
country be run exclusively by Republicans. However, that doesn’t mean I want
to see Democrats be put in charge of everything either. Why? Because while
no legislating body should be subject to the tyranny of the minority, the
majority shouldn’t ignore or run over those in the minority just because it
can. Hell, my Praetorian Guard of Bob Crown, Tom Bane, Jerry Waldie and I
probably would have done a fine job of running California all by ourselves,
but having Bob Monaghan in the Republican leader’s chair and Ronald Reagan
in the governor’s office made us better lawmakers. It made us work harder
and consider the reality that as much as we wished it weren’t the case, not
every Californian thought like us or agreed with us. We learned a lot from
them, I think they learned a lot from us, and by working together we made
California a better place than either of us could have accomplished under a
one-party dictatorship scenario.

Don’t be afraid to have a conversation with someone who doesn’t share your
view of the world. You just might learn something. Besides, you can take
this to the bank courtesy of Big Daddy, son–there nothing like spending a
little quality time with a bevy of Democratic women who are in the process
of working up a sweat.


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