Big Daddy

Dear Big Daddy,

As much of a raging hog as I am now, Big Daddy has actually come a long way baby on gender relations since I, well, died. I rarely if ever use terms like “broad,” “dame” or “who are you and what are you doing in my bed?” anymore.But the way in which I best show my new-found enlightenment on gender issues is by being just as harsh on female political figures as I am on men. And, with obvious and profound apologies owed to Nicole Parra, I don’t usually use their gender to do it.

I ask you—did John Edwards invoke sexism when he was lambasted for a $400 haircut, or when trans-gendered person Anne Coulter (see how sensitive I am!) called him a “fag”? Did Dennis Kucinich play the gender card when people said Keebler elves couldn’t be president? Did mayoral candidate Kevin Johnson…eh, let’s skip that one.

Though Clinton’s supporters complained she was being bashed because she was a woman, she was actually being treated just the same as any other candidate. Was “snipers with Sinbad” motivated by her gender? Did her sex prevent her from building a credible grassroots organization in many states?

To act like anyone who isn’t for Clinton hates women is insulting—and not just to men. To say that if Clinton isn’t the nominee you’ll vote for an anti-choice candidate who plans to continue many of the policies you’re been angry about for the last eight years…I’m sorry to use this word, but that’s just hysterical.

Finally, I’d have had a bit more sympathy for Clinton’s position before she started spewing the “people like us” line to white working class voters. I was one of those myself once, and I don’t remember the “people like us” my family kept voting for ever doing much for the people who actually were us.

When people talk about race they’re mostly really talking about class, when people talk about age, they’re largely talking about looks. To be clear, my tragic mug might make it hard for me to get elected to anything more lofty than dog catcher in this high definition era. But, the fact is McCain, and to a lesser extent Clinton, have a problem. Now don’t get me wrong, I respect McCain a great deal. But put him on a stage next to Obama and start shooting in digital, he’s going to look like he just came from an early bird special—at the skin graft clinic.

But this pales by comparison to McCain’s other problem: he’s simply not tall enough to be president in the modern era. How do I know? He’s the exact same height as Dennis Kucinich (and also has a hot wife…hmm). I know John Kerry’s height advantage over Dubya didn’t do him much good. But Bush is a man of at least average height. McCain is on the town council of Dukakisville.

As cynical as I might sound, this presidential campaign has gone a long way towards restoring my faith in voters. Not the process, which is still a travesty.  I’d scrap the delegates and superdelegates and just go with voters, but anyhow…here we are at the end of the primaries, and you could make a strong case that the three candidates left standing are the three best candidates we had when we started. We could argue long and hard about when the last time that happened was. But I’d be willing to wager most of us would agree it’s far enough back in the political past that I would have been around
to witness it.