Big Daddy

Ask Big Daddy

Hey Big Daddy,
What’s the deal with these Republican presidential wanna-bes. What’s next?

— Captivated in Cupertino

Hey Cupertino,
I don’t know that I can tell you what’s next, but I can tell you this: I will never think of the phrase ‘hiking the Appalachian Trail’ quite the same ever again.

Before we get to the madness part of egomaniacal politicians, let’s talk a bit about how lucky we are that Gov. Sanford will never be President of the United States. If for no other reason, the staff this guy has around him are completely inept. But then, you know what they say – the fish rots at the head, yadda yadda yadda.

I typically don’t like to pick on the flunkies in any political shop, but Sanford’s staff merits special attention for this one. First, they insisted the governor was not missing. Then, they came up with the new best phrase in the entire world – that he was ‘hiking the Appalachian Trail.’ Then, when it was revealed that he had caught a flight for South America out of Atlanta, they insisted he was “dove hunting.”

But it’s easy to see where these folks get it from. The State newspaper said the governor declined to give any additional details about what he did other than to say “he drove along the coastline.”

The State then goes on: “Trying to drive along the coast could frustrate a weekend visitor to Argentina. In Buenos Aires, the Avenida Costanera is the only coastal road, and it’s less than two miles long. Reaching coastal resorts to the south requires a drive of nearly four hours on an inland highway with views of endless cattle ranches. To the north is a river delta of islands reached only by boat.”

Yikes. Of course, people wanted to know what Sanford was doing in Argentina. As it turns out, it was more of a ‘who.’

Now I’m not going to jump all over Sanford for philandering. Even I’m not that much of a hypocrite. But as a rock-ribbed Republican, I’d think he’d at least have a “Cheat American” clause on his zipper. I mean, a foreigner? If recent beauty pageants have taught us nothing else, it’s that the Sandlapper State has no shortage of blonds with poor judgment.

Can we at least try to get that one figured out?

But the person who really deserves the credit in this is the governor’s wife, Jenny. How often have we seen the political spouse wheeled out as a prop, looking stoic as the flash bulbs add to her embarrassment and private rage? So, good for Jenny Sanford for not showing up to the governor’s press conference, and watching the guy unravel completely on his own.

When asked by CNN over the weekend why the governor was not home for Fathers’ Day, she responded with a terse, but telling, comment. ““I am being a mom today. I have not heard from my husband. I am taking care of my children.”

Zing.

Turns out, Jenny had kicked the guv out of the house two weeks earlier, and was in no mood to help the guy out now.

Inside, on some level, she’s gotta be loving this almost as much as MSNBC.

As for what happens next? Who knows. I’ll be out hiking the Appalachian trail.


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