Ask Big Daddy

Dear Big Daddy,

Did you come back as one of those whales trying to swim to the capital? Is that why John Garamendi wanted so badly to speak with the them?

–Ouueeeiii hooopeeeiiiaaa yooouuuiiieeeuuu

Dear Vowel Movement,

Did you think that just because those whales looked like they were on the eviction end of a three-week bender? Big Daddy would be the whale in a cravat, a team of suckerfish grooming me at all times–and I wouldn’t swim the way a certain senator drives.

Big Daddy doesn’t believe in reincarnation, just weekly sniping from the grave. I’ve got a perfectly good forum right here, and I don’t need to speak in words that sound like the aftermath of a Texas chili-eating contest.

As for why John Garamendi headed for the whales like they were a pair of Stanford linebackers, that’s a far more interesting question. People point to the big gold letters above his door, or a desire to be governor that he hides about as well as Don Perata hides his money clip. In other words, they say, he’s just trying to look busy.

Now would anybody really notice if they lite gov wasn’t doing his job? If Cruz Bustamante hadn’t gotten publicly obsessed with dieting, it never would have occurred to us to ask what he was up to.

Being lieutenant governor is like being a kid who goes on a field trip every day. Ever seen one of those horrible movies where some guy wins the lottery and gets diagnosed with a terminal disease on the same day–and decides he can do whatever he wants? That’s Garamendi’s life–and he’s not dying!

You know you wanted to ditch work to go see the whales. While you were poring over a spreadsheet, Garamendi just took off and did it. If Grateful Dead still were touring, this guy could follow them for five months and call it research if he wanted.

Is Garamendi is a good lieutenant governor? I think he’s better than most, but a more relevant query is whether the office is wasted on him. We could ask the whales, but I think he’s having a blast.

The LG spot has as spotty history as a blast-off point to the Horseshoe. I think Big G is onto something, but he needs to kick it up a notch. Our action hero terms out in four years. Having gotten a taste, voters will want another.

Replace whale watching with diving with Great White sharks, and voters will take notice. Skydiving with that Vin Diesel fellow? First-time voters will yell “Awesome!” Disagreeing with Maria Shriver? Even Arnold won’t try that.