Santa’s elves are back at the North Pole, sipping their traditional post-Christmas grog and wondering if Gavin Newsom is going to run for president in 2024; or 2028. Or 2020?
Santa himself, however, is perusing a wish list sent to him by political types in Sacramento and Washington.
Due to the journalistic enterprise constantly demonstrated by our army of reporters, Capitol Weekly has obtained a copy of the list and is deploying it below. Along with a few predictions, here is what Sacramento and Washington notables want more than anything in 2020:
A year’s supply of Valium to help voters get through the 2020 elections.
Donald Trump – California slides into the Pacific Ocean, taking Adam Schiff and Nancy Pelosi with it.
Democrats – Avoidance of the infighting that comes with supermajorities in the Legislature.
Republicans – The infighting that comes with a supermajority in the Legislature.
No Party Preference voters — Paul Mitchell’s home phone so they can figure out how to register as independents instead of Independents.
Most voters — A year’s supply of Valium to help them get through the 2020 elections.
TV watchers — A remake of the West Wing.
State Republican Party Chair Jessica Patterson – An increase of 20 percent in GOP California voter registration; 15 percent? 10 percent? OK, 3 percent.
Political reporters – A Republican senator who publicly admits: “I loathe Donald Trump, but I’ve gotta vote against removal because if I don’t, his base will kill me in the next election.”
Gavin Newsom – news stories that don’t mention “slicked back hair.”
California Lt. Gov. Eleni Kounalakis – Reporters finally learn how to spell her last name.
Devin Nunes – Reporters stop giggling every time his name is mentioned.
Michael Pence – He has lunch alone with a woman. She convinces him to join a Hindu commune in Cucamonga.
PG&E – A judge who thinks that beleaguered private utilities ought to be given a break, and anyway, what’s a few wildfires?
California Attorney General Xavier Becerra – Trump tweets about a possible Becerra appointment to the Supreme Court. Mitch McConnell is carted away in a straitjacket.
Silicon Valley – Convinces Californians that its constituent companies are really charitable institutions heavily disguised as money-making machines. Heavily.
Dianne Feinstein – Recognition of “With Age Comes Wisdom” as a national motto on a par “E pluribus unum” on the nation’s currency.
University of California – A new president in 2020 who is a master of politics, budgeting, public relations and invents a cure of psoriasis in her spare time.
Kamala Harris – The vice presidential slot on a successful Joe Biden presidential campaign; Biden decides to serve only one term.
Stacy Abrams — See Kamala Harris.
Tom Steyer – Voters discover their long-buried love for billionaires.
Michael Bloomberg — Doubles his campaign spending; managers of television stations up and down California order new carpeting.
Ed’s Note: Chuck McFadden, a retired Associated Press reporter and communications strategist, is a regular contributor to Capitol Weekly.