The Christmas season tells us that there are only a few days remaining in 2020, California’s annus horribilis. It also means political types begin to harbor fantasies about what they would like Santa to bring them if they’re very, very good. Capitol Weekly has uncovered some of those fantasies, and in the interests of keeping the public informed, can now tell all to avid readers, as follows:
Gavin Newsom – The state Supreme Court rules that recalls are illegal; he signs a law banning photography in high-end wine country restaurants; Rudy Giuliani sues, declaring restaurants that charge $450 an entrée are essential businesses.
Assembly Speaker Anthony Rendon — All 18 Republican members of the Assembly resign and a new law gives Rendon the power to appoint their Democratic replacements to 10-year terms. Rudy Giuliani sues, saying he should have been included because he could become a Democrat if needed.
State Senate Leader Toni Atkins – A new news-writing rule dictates that reporters must always use the term “celestial chamber” when referring to the state Senate. Rudy Giuliani sues, arguing that the rule should also require reporters to refer to him as “Celestial Solicitor.”
Kamala Harris – There is a growing movement within the Biden Administration to abandon the title of “vice president” in favor of “co-president”– carrying with it the power to appoint every other Supreme Court justice. Rudy Giuliani sues on grounds that he should be Harris’s first appointment.
Alex Padilla – National recognition of his stewardship of a smooth California vote count enhances his chances of being appointed to the U. S. Senate, replacing Kamala Harris; unmentioned is the argument that it was smooth because all the votes were Democratic. Rudy Giuliani sues, arguing that smooth vote counts are unconstitutional.
Eleni Kounalakis — Hopes Gov. Newsom will appoint himself to fill Harris’ seat, thus allowing Eleni, the lieutenant governor, to become governor.
Kevin Faulconer — Wants that fledgling recall drive against Newsom to gather steam so he, Kevin, can become governor.
Political reporters – Trump abandons Florida for California, establishing his exiled administration at Mar-a-Fresno. Visions of national bylines dance in reporters’ heads. From his hospital bed, Rudy Giuliani sues on grounds that he is losing his share of media coverage.
Mark Ghaly — A fast-acting coronavirus vaccine.
Restaurateurs — A fast-acting coronavirus vaccine.
Restaurant customers — A fast-acting coronavirus vaccine
Xavier Becerra –Sits back and grins as knock-down, drag-out lobbying erupts over whom the governor will appoint to replace him as attorney general. Rudy Giuliani sues, claiming the job should be rightfully his because his hair dye drip has been fixed.
George Gascon — Wishing for a time machine so he could go back before he ran for L.A.’s top prosecutor, thus allowing Newsom to appoint him to replace Becerra — which Newsom likely would have done.
London Breed – The San Francisco mayor is named a senior advisor to the president; the vacancy created by her departure sets off a savage political fight between the city’s Left, Far Left and Far, Far Left. Rudy Giuliani sues on grounds that no one named after a foreign city should be allowed near the Oval Office.
Dianne Feinstein – She wins a Nobel Prize for keeping calm and carrying on; Rudy Giuliani sues, declaring that calm politicians are unpatriotic.