Big Daddy

Dear Big Daddy,
Here’s a softball for you: what is it with politicians who can’t keep their pants on? Our Assemblyman, Mike Duvall, just got caught bragging about an affair with a lobbyist who had business before the committee where he’s vice chair. What was he thinking?

Dear Braying,
It wasn’t long ago that Duvall was best known for his love of riding motorcycles. Now he’s better known…hell, I’m not even going to finish that.

But from the time you wrote this letter til the time I got around to answering your query, it’s now “former” Assemblyman Duvall to you.
It probably goes without saying that “thinking” has very little to do with this particular story. Spanking on the other hand. Well, that’s another matter all together.

Of course, Duvall wasn’t the first Orange County legislator who liked him some spanking. The original meter of corporal punishment was the late Mickey Conroy, who wanted to allow spanking in the classroom. One can only assume that extended to the bedroom as well. Must be something in the water down there.

So, Duvall was with a lobbyist who liked to get spanked. So what? All that tells us is that he and Sally Lieber will probably never find each other on Match.com.

My first reaction to the news? Honestly, it was about time. We’ve been due for a good old-fashioned sex scandal, and believe you me, I was as surprised as anyone to see the name “Mike Duvall” in the middle of it. The man just doesn’t scream “sex scandal” to me.

What can I say?

It just goes to show – the more things change, the more they stay the same. Otherwise ordinary middle-aged men can still use their legislative status to overachieve when it comes to women. And the old rules still apply, including the old, “stay away from open microphones” rule, which Duvall clearly broke.
Sacramento culture still tends to look the other way on matters of the, er, heart. Duvall’s dalliances were well known among the Capitol whisperati. And we’ve got a few more member-related stories that we hope we’ll never have to write about.

But if we do, rest assured, I’ll be here  to wag my finger and say I told you so. Hey, I’ve got a job to do, right?

But I do have to give Duvall credit for one thing—not going all moony-eyed Mark Sanford on us. When you’re cheating on your wife, and breaking ethics rules to do it, it’s probably best to admit your motivations come from somewhere south of your “soul.” Somehow, references to “eye-patch underwear” and things gettin’ “messy” sound less smarmy than acting like a pubescent who still mistakes hormones for true love. Because if you do that, you’re probably not ready for politics in the first place.