Ask Big Daddy

Hey Big Daddy,

The year started out with big talk of prison reform. But the debate detoured into the governor’s “death chamber” and pardons for Paris Hilton. Can’t we stay on topic?

–DCA has ADD

Dear hypocrite looking for an excuse to bring up Paris Hilton,

I was wondering why people hate this Paris Hilton broad (though she’s more of a narrow) so much, so I put in an episode of The Simple Life. Now I know why people are calling for The Simple Death. Californians rarely agree much on prisons, but there’s a growing consensus that they’ll take the death chamber if Paris is the first visitor.

But the only item on this menu is 45 Nights in Paris (a disturbing thought for those of us old enough to remember smell-o-vision). The idiot vivant wants the guv to pardon her so her traffic tickets don’t land her in an NC-17 movie setup. Where does she get her sense of entitlement?

Well, there is the $22,300 the Hilton Family Trust tossed to Californians for Schwarzenegger 2006 last year. Though the chance Paris knew about that are about as good as her chances of naming any California governor who wasn’t in Junket Whore. All that money and her family wouldn’t spring for a third digit of IQ.

But none of this means that we can’t use “Paris Hilton” and “death chamber” in the same sentence