Do you like me?  (Guess what, I don’t care) 

Women in this country have always had to be liked in order to survive. Prior to 1848, American women weren’t permitted to own property or work outside the home. Instead, they were forced to rely on men to determine their worth and much of that depended on whether or not they were found to be likeable.

As an outspoken 50-year-old woman, I have outgrown the sexual harassment that so many of us faced when we were younger, but my female colleagues and I are held to a cultural double-standard in politics, and in the workplace.

They called me “aggressive” and “defiant.” For a man, these would be virtues. For a woman, they are a character flaw. While the men who may be unlikeable are “tough” or “hard-nosed.”

As women, we understand that men need to “like” us in order to succeed. What that really means is that we are expected to be quiet, and to never question the opinion, motive or intellect of our counterparts. If we dare to do so, there are consequences.

I was reminded of these consequences and the power dynamic during my reappointment to the California Horse Racing Board. I was recruited for the position in 2019 because the governor’s office told me “we want someone who can stand up to the old boys.” I have, and I will continue to work to reform the industry.

In fact, in 2020, I was confirmed by the state Senate to my current seat by a unanimous vote.

But on the board, I have ruffled a few feathers fighting for that reform. The result was a shadow campaign from a number of elected officials – including my own state Senator – working to kill my nomination by spreading false claims about me behind my back.

They called me “aggressive” and “defiant.” For a man, these would be virtues. For a woman, they are a character flaw. While the men who may be unlikeable are “tough” or “hard-nosed.”

After the first vote, I called each senator to discuss their concerns but only one had the decency to call me back. Senator Josh Newman. I respect him tremendously.

Sadly, for the rest, it didn’t matter that I’d been vetted through the Senate Rules Committee process twice and received a unanimous vote. It didn’t matter that I was unanimously confirmed in 2020. It didn’t matter that I served as a chief of staff in the Senate. It didn’t matter that I’d been appointed by three different governors and the L.A. Mayor. It didn’t matter that I’d served on the board of the California League of Conservation Voters; Planned Parenthood-LA, LA Business Council, Pacoima Beautiful and others.

Recently the Senate approved my nomination, I received 23 yes votes, 2 more than are necessary but a lot less than the number who supported me last time.

They believed the whispers. I’m a strong woman, it was easy.

In my career, I pride myself on standing up for the little guy, speaking truth to power. My work has never felt like a choice. It’s the very essence of who I am.

Growing up, the struggles I witnessed significantly defined my life. Watching my own single mother struggle to put food on our table or attending school in a rural farming community of 90 students with one-third who couldn’t speak English yet no teacher that could communicate with them. Living these struggles gave me an understanding of the two different worlds that existed so I got into politics to make a difference.

Recently the Senate approved my nomination, I received 23 yes votes, 2 more than are necessary but a lot less than the number who supported me last time. Why? No legitimate reason.

Like most people, I also want to be “liked.” In fact, I want to be loved, to have meaningful relationships and to feel connected to those that matter in my life. I am grateful to have that in abundance.

What I faced in the state Senate is happening to women every day, in every workplace and every boardroom in America and it has to stop. Women (and men) must stand up for each other and call out this double standard that penalizes women for perceived “likeability” while ignoring whether powerful males are likable or not. Change is hard but this must change.

I want younger women entering the workforce – and government service – to be able to speak with confidence and to be more concerned with being heard than being liked. I don’t want them silenced.

I stand up to bullies, I won’t be shamed, and I won’t be intimidated for doing my job.  I’m confident in who I am. I don’t live to be validated by men based on my “likability.” No women should.
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Editor’s Note: Wendy Mitchell, a commissioner on the California Horse Racing Board since 2019, is a former member of the California Coastal Commission. She worked for the state Legislature for a decade and has run her own consulting firm since 2006.