The editors of this fine publication have offered me an opportunity no
courteous Republican could refuse: to roll out the welcome mat to all the
California Democrats descending upon Sacramento this weekend for their
First, let me congratulate you on the fact that you all only bother to have
a convention once a year. For some reason my party insists on doing it twice
a year. It’s not that our conventions aren’t a nice opportunity to see old
friends and buy tacky T-shirts about Hilary, but we always seem obsessed
with fighting with each other.
Just like y’all will this weekend.
I’m not sure either of your candidates for governor truly “inspires” passion
in any of you, but I suspect your weekend confab will be a pitched battle of
the “Phorces of Phil” versus people that buy things on eBay. Wow, that’s
going to be scintillating. Hose me off. Reporters who have to work the
weekend to try to write something interesting about all this might just want
to try sniffing glue. I’ll buy.
I’m sure you’re all going to be subjected to photos of Steve and Arnold with
hands clasped, raised above their heads (well, Steve’s head at least) on
primary-election night 2004.
And maybe the Westly campaign will be clever enough to offer bus tours to
see the marshy habitat Phil paved over to build houses that a lot of my
friends live in now.
Oh, the sparring should be brilliantly petty.
This in a way makes me feel sorry for all of you. I mean, come on: You’re
giving up a weekend to come to Sacramento because you’re the true believers
and you’re stuck with these two guys? Two multi-multi-millionaires. What has
become of your party?
Thanks to the do-gooder campaign-finance law, Proposition 34, largely
promulgated by your representatives in the Capitol and your former-Governor
Davis, you are likely forever doomed to have to pin your hopes on the likes
of the capitalist pig, inside-trader, slimy-developer types you have to
choose between this year.
Thanks to Proposition 34, middle-class cats like Deukmejian, Bradley,
Wilson, Davis and Lungren likely never will be able to lead a ticket again.
This is a real shame for you guys (for us too). You have some honorable
people in your party who should get a shot someday but probably will never
be able to raise the necessary war chest under contribution limits.
As you feign enthusiasm for either Phil or Steve this weekend, please find
some humor in the irony of your party’s situation. You’re run by
millionaires. You’ll nominate one for governor. Your congressional leader is
a high-society botox queen from San Francisco. Your U.S. senators are rich
(and in the case of DiFi, works as a consulate for the Chinese