Big Daddy

Ask Big Daddy

Hey Big Daddy,

A sign outside Alberto Torrico’s office proclaims he is “Director of Majority Affairs.” How come the minority party doesn’t get help like this? Was this type of service available in your day?

–Just Wondering

Dear JW,

I would point you to Assemblyman Torrico’s AB 81, the Safe Baby Surrender bill. Conventional wisdom may hold that he submitted this legislation due to his devout Catholic faith, but I think it’s part of a wider “affair management” strategy.

In my era, we had a rather haphazard, lobbyist-based system–you may remember a famous quote or two attributed to me about that. These days, if you’re bedding down with a lobbyist, or more likely if you’re not, you’re liable to read about it in the Capitol Weekly.

Ever since poor affair management landed a nomination for Michael Dukakis over Gary Hart, Dems have been keen to improve their performance in this field. Due to recent software advances, Mr. Torrico’s staff can track multiple affairs, schedule trysts around busy legislative and fundraising schedules, and even match legislators with compatible … let’s just say someone in San Francisco should have sought Mr. Torrico’s services.

Republicans, on the other hand, want to starve the government-run affair-management beast until it can be drowned in a romantic bubble bath. If they’re feeling frisky, they might bludgeon it with flowers first.

After all, we all know the three legs of the Republican tricycle are low taxes, a strong defense and keeping government out of our bedrooms.

The GOP tends to eschew the “Madame State” for a highly efficient market-based system. The epitome of this approach was Newt Gingrich’s cancer-bed divorce papers–the only way he could have made that more efficiently is if he’d done it via conference call while riding a stationary bike. If he’d been a Democrat, he’d still be polling and running focus groups.

Besides, who are we to lecture the likes of Rudy Giuliani? Heck, I think we could learn from the GOP’s reigning drag queen. Rudy, I know how much you love showbiz cameos. If you get elected president, you ought be the first POTUS with your own reality show.

We’d call it First Lady of the Year. After six years of Laura Bush, I’m hankering for some variety and pizzazz. We’ll trot out some ’80s sit-com stars and maybe a few big donors, then have them compete to be that year’s Mrs. G. If ratings lag, we’ll toss in one of your exes as a surprise contestant.

And it only seems appropriate to let the viewers choose a winner. It could be a little awkward if all those Howard Stern fans get together and elect that Sanjaya chick, but we’ve all seen stranger couples.

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