Dear Big Daddy,
You were pretty harsh on Tom Ammiano the other week. Any chance you’ll change your tune now that our Guv has once again made our state a national laughingstock with his coded veto message?

--F-bomber in Fremont


Dear Bombardier,
You’re right. I owe Mr. Ammiano an apology. I made fun of his voice, his stature, and his judgment. Sometimes I’m a bully. A big, fat, ugly bully. Guilty as charged.  


But most of all, I forgot who it was that he was heckling. As I noted, Tom’s “KMGA” message wasn’t exactly Gandhi-like, but neither was the guy on the receiving end.


Heck, in retrospect, Ammiano’s “You lie!” taunt looks kinda brilliant. He tricked the big guy into a fight he didn’t need. They both fell down in the mud, but most folks are only going to notice the slime that sticks to the household name. If Arnold ever tries to run for Senate or become a national political figure of some kind, I doubt his not-so-clever wordplay is gonna help him look statesmanlike.


And the excuses emanating from the Horseshoe about “soap” and “strange coincidence” are so lame I can’t even muster the energy to ridicule them. I’m guessing the 2010 elections will show us that the rumors of the demise of the Republican Party are premature—but the one thing we can probably agree on is that juvenile frat boy pranks from a chief executive are, like, so last year.


Though there is that one little question about whose word play we’re talking about. Word about town is that the true owner of the veto message decoder ring was one Susan Kennedy. Sure, the Guv gave us stressed out and pixel-stained political watchers a good chuckle in the midst of stultifying water negotiations. But if he was trying to reinforce the perception that there is a far skinnier pair of legs than his wearing the pants in that operation, a minivan full of Rob Stutzmans couldn’t have done a better job.


So where does that leave us? I didn’t think the bad-will and recriminations around here could get much worse. Clearly things are at a breaking point. Someone needs to cut this tension. Folks just need to chillax the hell out.


By now you probably know where I’m going with this. Yes, that is right: Bong Summit!


Now both Ammi and Schatzi would like you to think they don’t partake. One claims he wants to legalize it, but prefers martinis to mary jane. The other says he doesn’t want to legalize it, but can be seen gleefully breaking that particular law any day on YouTube.


Guys, seriously. You know you wanna. And the gov already has a smoking tent. Or better yet, just find a neutral location—say, an off-campus apartment near Sac State, preferably in a complex with a hot tub—sit down, load up, put on some house music and find some common ground. Talk out your differences. Hell, talk about astronomy and how weird it is when you actually look, you know, really look at all those little lines on your hand. Invite Susan while you’re at it. She could use a good case of the munchies.


What good would come from this? Farmers of California’s top cash crop could get some free publicity by lobbying to the brand of choice. The governor would actually be in a room talking to a legislator. And if there’s been a better photo op lately, it probably involved nudity.


But, most of all, does anyone have a better idea about how to change the tone around here? I didn’t think so.