Big Daddy

Dear Big Daddy,
What happened Tuesday night?
–Mystified in Milpitas

Hey Mystified,
I know I often say that voters are the weak link in a Democracy, but on Tuesday night, that was only half true. I’m a cup half-full kind of guy and a Democrat to boot, so I can tell you that election night was a success.

Bottom line: It’s about time we got a pro in the corner office.

It’s nice to see my proteges doing well, even though Brown and Boxer both ignored my advice. But who am I to complain? I never got to the governor’s office – a General Electric raconteur named Ron Reagan beat me out – and I never even tried seriously for the Senate.

So I say, “Go, Jerry and Babs!” No matter how irritating both of you are. I’m far past irritation, anyway. In fact, being irritated is better than nothing.

The best thing about the election is that it shows that California really is different than the rest of the country – and I like that.

It’s not just cause I’m big and powerful and smart and attractive and wealthy and cunning. Oh no, it’s much more than that. It’s because I’m sensitive and caring and visionary. California is a land of the 21st Century, and expanding the power of our independent redistricting to handle the House is one example. Approving the simple-majority vote for state budgets is another. Blocking the rollback of our greenhouse gas law is still another.

I had something to do with shaping this state, so I’ll take credit for the good stuff on the ballot.

But I still can’t figure out what the voters of this state were trying to say. We love Democrats, and want to give them every statewide office. Heck we’ll even give them the majority-vote budget they’ve been whining about for decades. But with this hand, we’ll take away their power to raise revenues or borrow money from locals.

Consistency, they say, is the hobgoblin of little minds. And California voters were at their Halloween best Tuesday night. Voters have tied themselves up in knots that would make a sailor proud, and seem to be drinking like sailors while they do it. If that’s not a case for mandating IQ tests for voters, then I don’t know what is.

While we’re at it, maybe we can get some of those tests going for our statewide elected officials. I don’t know much about cloud computing or server farms, but I do know this: Anyone who tried to get their election results from the secretary of state’s website would have had better luck trying to find a decent drink in a Green Party victory party. I don’t know what it is about liberals and hippies, but it’s nothing a little whiskey couldn’t fix.

My point, as if there ever was one, is this: The same voters who approved a simple majority vote for budgets approved a two-thirds vote for fees.  What were they smoking? Probably nothing, given the support that Proposition 19 got.

So how do I explain that vote?

No idea. I’m heading to the Pre-Flite Lounge to think it through.